As far as I’m concerned, NVC does everything. It butters my bread, washes my car, and raises my children. Okay, maybe not. But in terms of how it’s changed my life, that’s not much of an exaggeration.

Before I heard of NVC, seven years ago, I was like many people: wanting to connect with people I loved, wanting to be my best self, and wanting more peace, happiness, chocolate and weight-loss in my life. I would speak with eloquent oratory full of unassailable logic, teeming with self-righteousness and veiled judgments. I would wonder why my victim, er, I mean listener, was not won over to my worldview of rightness and wrongness where I was always in the right. Or sometimes I was on the other end, listening intently and then blessing my loved ones with the brilliance of my advice and depth of my pity sprinkled down from above. In short, I was who George Bernard Shaw had in mind when he said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

When I first learned about NVC, I loved the idea that Rush Limbaugh, my mother-in-law, and I all have the same needs (namely, in this case, the need to express ourselves – at great length). Since learning more and practicing what I’ve learned, my home is now a lot like Lake Wobegon except all the women are gently assertive, all the men are emotionally expressive, and all the children have the calm and patience of Buddha. My teeth also seem whiter, but I could be imagining that part.

NVC has given me a helpful understanding of communication, effective tools to use, opportunities to practice, a healthier internal life, and a community of like-minded people. To say I’m happy I found NVC and the resources of NVC Santa Cruz would be an understatement. To say my family is happy I found NVC would be a laughable distortion. I don’t think I’m stretching it to say they would gladly empty their piggy banks and sell their little brother if that’s what it took to make sure I stay in my current version. My family prefers mom, sister, wife, and daughter 2.0. And so do I.

~ Kara Bowman

Above is a heartfelt letter from Kara Bowman expressing all that NVC has come to contribute to her life. We ask that you consider what NVC and the NVC Santa Cruz Community means to you and, if it would serve your need to contribute, please consider making a tax-deductible donation and partnering with us in growing compassion in our community.

A friend of mine recently asked me about what we call having an “empathy buddy” entails. It seemed like relevant information to share here =).

Basically how having an empathy buddy works is something like this:

To start…

Someone agrees to start talking about what they would like to have empathy on. The other person listens. Sometimes the person starting doesn’t even know what they need empathy on and would just like to talk things out and see if they hit on something. Other times the person may request to pass or not have empathy at that time.

What gets talked about?

The topic of empathy does not need to be centered around just sad, angry, conflicted (…etc.) emotions- it can also be a chance to celebrate or share something you are feeling deep gratitude or joy (etc.) about.

Where does the empathy come in?

Once the person seems like they are done speaking or perhaps taking a break to receive empathy- the listener (or if you in a group the listeners) can reflect what they heard. This is commonly done through empathy guesses.

ex: “I am hearing that your wanting to be seen, that you really want to matter…”

and sometimes the receiver will chime in something to the effect of: “Yes! That’s it!…” or “Well…that’s not quite it, it’s more like….” and the listener listens and when the time is right reflects back more empathy guesses.

What about silent empathy?

Sometimes empathy is silent. If it doesn’t feel like the right moment to say something or if for whatever reason silent empathy feels right than this may happen as well. Silent empathy involves holding space for someone and giving them a sort of energetic projection of empathy…one way to think of this is if empathy guessing were massage silent empathy would be Reiki. Ultimately both are important and I would argue that with experienced “pro” empathy givers both are used and often at the same time.

Requesting silent empathy?

There is always space for requests. The speaker can request silent empathy. The speaker can request silent empathy before they start sharing or after they have shared. They can request silent empathy for their entire time without speaking at all (meaning both parties are silent with the listeners giving silent empathy until the person receiving empathy feels complete).

Strategies

The speaker can also request strategies: (aka: …advice/ideas/guesses as to what kind of actions they could take in their lives that would be most beneficial, *it is good to note that NVC does not consider strategies to be empathy- none the less the speaker may request them). The speaker can request a range of things…

Switching roles

At some point when there is a feeling of closure the listener may ask: “Do you feel complete?” (or some variation of this) and the speaker may say “yes” and the two may switch rolls. Or if they do not feel fully done they may say “Yes, and I just wanted to express one last thing…”.

Scheduling meetings

How often empathy buddies meet is up to the empathy buddies. After a relationship is formed and trust is there, it is not uncommon for one empathy buddy to call the other for some unscheduled empathy if something feels pressing, and visa verse. Having regularly scheduled meetings with your empathy buddy can be useful for a couple reasons. One of which being it is often hard for people to go out of their way to ask for empathy.

* I have attached some pictures I took while at NVCSC that might provide some useful bullet points =).

Angel, Nonviolent Communication Santa Cruz Intern

In the wake of windows intentionally broken in downtown Santa Cruz, there has been a tremendous reaction from the community. In many ways, Pacific Ave. represents the heart of our town, so it’s as if our very own hearts have been trampled.

I was surprised to see the City Council’s quick reaction to beef up the police department. This is the very same reaction that happened after 9/11, and what many of us started experiencing was more of a police state. Is that what we want? It seems our reactive response is to find who did it and punish them as if that will solve the problem. In the meantime, our jails and prisons keep growing, and violence increases.

Maybe it’s time we start asking deeper and more penetrating questions like how is the health of our community? Are our children given every opportunity to be supported, nurtured, and educated? What about our elders? Are their needs being met? What structures support us and how can we increase trust, safety, and connection in our community where people have no desire to throw objects through windows or hurt people.

While I do not condone violence, I think it’s important for us to ask ourselves why a few people would be inclined toward this kind of behavior. What needs of theirs are not being met? What statement were they wanting to make?

It’s been said that harmed people harm people. Healed people heal people. If we are to interrupt the cycle of violence in our communities, if we are to bring peace to the streets of Santa Cruz, we need a justice system that heals.

More and more communities are finding a solution in a restorative justice process, a system that asks the following questions, “what happened?”, “who was affected?”, and “what can we do as a community to make things right again?” We are experiencing a shift away from a system that is punitive to one that is healing, from retribution to restoration. It is my dream that Santa Cruz will follow that path.

“Although attempting to bring about peace in the world through the internal transformation of individuals is difficult, it is the only way.” The Dalai Lama

We all want peace and compassion in our homes and communities and within ourselves, yet it is so easy to feel hopeless given news headlines and the conflicts in our daily lives. A powerful sense of hope can be ignited when people come together to experience and practice peacemaking and conflict transformation firsthand. Nonviolent Communication Santa Cruz (NVCSC), a local nonprofit, is a hub for rekindling the hope and practice of peace.

Nonviolent Communication strengthens our ability to stay in touch with our humanity, even under challenging circumstances. Instead of habitual responses such as anger or avoidance, our words can become conscious responses based on an awareness of what we are observing, feeling, and wanting. Firstly, notice what is objectively happening (she punched her sister on her arm) is different than our thoughts or judgments about an action (she is disrespectful and mean) and notice our emotional and physical responses to our thoughts (anger, shoulder tension). If we create space for our observations, thoughts and feelings, it can be easier to know our deeper needs (I want safety and respect in our home) and engender curiosity about the deeper needs of others. How this internal journey looks to the outer world (kids) is limitless. One example is, “Safety really matters to me and I’d like peace in our home. Can we slow down and take a few moments to listen to what each of us want?” If there is already trust that we want to understand, not blame or punish, it could simply be, “Let’s hear from everyone what they want.”

The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative. Actually living it can be a bumpy road. As Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, says, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” The continued practice and support to live compassionately can be found in the variety of classes offered by NVCSC, such as “Teen Parenting” and “NVC for Couples” or in 9-month Integration programs and 3-day retreats. NVCSC is delighted to support and sponsor the following programs for educators and families:

Educators NVC Retreat (9th annual)
July 6 to 11 NVCSC will sponsor for the second time in this area, “Teach for Life Educators Institute,” a 5-day residential retreat for teachers, administrators, counselors, and homeschool parents. Educators from around the world join local teachers to participate in powerful exercises for NVC skill-development, learn no-fault conflict transformation, and experience supported inquiry, empathy, and visioning. It provides abundant opportunities to network and share best practices with colleagues who also value a class environment that fosters trust and compassion, demonstrating leadership that is both empowered and empowering. This retreat models how “relationship intelligence” can replace “behavior management.”

Conflict Resolution
NVCSC has a new offering called Restorative Circles/Practices that supports schools or any organization in transforming conflict into an opportunity to rebuild understanding, trust, and safety. There are currently two schools in Santa Cruz County incorporating Restorative Practices both as a curriculum tool and as a form of conflict resolution. One teacher shared, “I love the holistic approach of Restorative Practices. Since introducing Sharing Circles in my classroom, I can attest there are fewer conflicts because children are being heard and acknowledged. We’ve used the Restorative Circle process several times to restore trust and connection between parents, teachers, and staff. Having adopted these practices school-wide has made a difference in that we now all know what to do when something occurs that needs mending.”

Peace Camp
August 2 to 6 the Jane Addams Peace Camp (sponsored by Women’s International League for Peace and Freedom, WILPF) is a fun-filled opportunity for kids and teens to learn and experience peace building. It has all the summer camp fun you could imagine—games, art, music, friends, food—integrated into an inspiring and respectful environment that builds children’s problem-solving tools, including NVC concepts and skills, embedded in fun, hands-on experiences. Teens play an active role as Youth Leaders and create their own social awareness activities, community action and mountain retreat. Camp is held on the campus of Orchard School in Aptos.

More Information

An informational evening sharing NVC in the Classroom (6:30pm) and Restorative Practices in Schools (7:00pm) will be held on April 12 at Nonviolent Communication Santa Cruz, 225 Rooney Street, off Morrissey Blvd, adjacent to Quaker Meetinghouse. (A coordinator of Jane Addams Peace Camp will also be available for questions.)
Please RSVP at dezbanz@yahoo.com or (831) 824-4682.
NVC Santa Cruz website: www.nvcsantacruz.org
Jane Addams Peace Camp: glitsky@aol.com or 462-9023

Jennifer Young has supported peace in our community as a mediator, Nonviolent Communication Santa Cruz board member, Restorative Circles facilitator, and coordinator of Teach for Life and Jane Addams Peace Camp.

by John Steven Malkin, NVC Santa Cruz Board member, published in GOOD TIMES Santa Cruz

Local group, Nonviolent Communication Santa Cruz, continues to expand

“Compassion is the radicalism of our time,” the Dalai Lama has said.  Locally, we can feel grateful to have a number of radical organizations focused on cultivating compassion in personal, political and spiritual realms.  One such group is Nonviolent Communication Santa Cruz, currently celebrating five years of growing and learning in the community. On Saturday, Oct. 17 all are invited to join in the celebration at Funabunda, an extravaganza of “fun in abundance” with delicious food, inspiring music, spectacular magic and a “hungry duck” silent auction.   The event takes place from 4 to 8 p.m. at the Center for Compassion (225 Rooney St., across the freeway from Morrissey Avenue).  Tickets are available for $15 at nvcsantacruz.org or $20 at the door.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a method for connecting with self and others that is rooted in unconditional empathy and authentic expression.  Also known as “the language of compassion” or “mindful communication,” NVC offers a bountiful vocabulary of awareness for sensing feelings and needs and for making requests to meet those needs.  The practice is used worldwide by parents, teachers, couples, neighbors, communities, businesses and social change groups and has benefited so many here in Santa Cruz.

“We have a strong connection with UCSC and have worked with staff, students, and faculty through the years,” says Jean Morrison, local NVC trainer.  “More than 10 schools use our services.  Many spiritual groups sponsor our classes and we’ve worked with county agencies and nonprofits to share the skills of NVC with their staff.”  NVC Santa Cruz offers classes and workshops at The Center for Compassion, including a nine-month integration course.

Jean Morrison was the first NVC teacher in Santa Cruz, landing here in 1996.  She studied with Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, in the mid-’80s and integrated it into an established counseling practice.  “The positive feedback we get from individuals and groups in Santa Cruz is what keeps me loving getting up in the morning and doing this work,” reflects Morrison.  She is one of five trainers certified in Nonviolent Communication in Santa Cruz who provide services like mediation, conflict resolution, meeting facilitation, counseling and specialized workshops such as Emotions in the Workplace, Gossip Prevention, and Communicating for Success.

Another local NVC trainer and mediator is Christine King. “Part of what we teach,” says King, “is only to say yes if it’s from a place of true natural giving.  We know that if you are saying no it is because there is some other need that you are taking care of in that moment. … The auction at Funabunada is being called a “hungry duck” auction because in nonviolent communication we suggest that people don’t do anything unless they want to do it with the joy of a child feeding a hungry duck.  That’s also been how we’ve asked for auction items: we’re not twisting anybody’s arm, but asking only for what people want to joyfully contribute.”  The auction will feature an abundance of fun and useful items and services including restaurant gift certificates, handmade art, classes for kids and adults, astrology, cranial sacral treatment, kayak rental, photography and life coaching.

During the Funabunda celebration, a delectable buffet of eclectic food will be provided by long-time local chef Jozseph Schultz, the mastermind behind “India Joze” restaurant and regular culinary contributor to art and social change organizations.  Entertainment will abound with The Great Morgani, Stuart Clark’s Jazz Band, Mickey Magic and Armando Alcarez singing and strumming guitar.  The Nonviolent Communication bookstore will be open and there will be opportunities to speak with local NVC trainers and students to discover more about communicating with empathy.

One local student of NVC, Bar Lowenberg, has been taking compassion to the streets of Santa Cruz with a “Free Empathy” table.  For over a year, most Saturday afternoons from 2 to 4 p.m., Lowenberg has set up a table in front of The Gap on Pacific Avenue to offer empathy to anyone who needs some.  “It’s a lot of fun,” says Lowenberg.  “Some people walk by and say things like, “The world could use more of that!” He goes on, “People who sit down really do need some empathy.  They have something going on in their lives and they may not have other places where empathy is readily available.”
King explains a little more about her experience of empathy:  “Empathy is being a witness to the experience of someone else and knowing what it feels like to be in their shoes without thinking I have to agree or disagree with that person.”

Locally, King combines the empathic practice of NVC with a communication model called “restorative circles” to re-establish trust between people after a conflict situation; “Let’s say that vandalism occurs at a school.  What is usually done?  The kids often get suspended or expelled; there’s some punitive retribution.  Instead, this is a process where people come together with understanding and then trust is established.”  Additionally, she’ll be teaching a course at UCSC called “Transformative Action” in which she’ll incorporate NVC ideas.  “I was introduced to social action through protests against war and nuclear weapons,” she says.  “I later found out that it’s more effective to work toward what you’re wanting rather than what you’re against.” Morrison adds, “NVC is a tool and process that helps awaken our minds, hearts, and bodies.”

At the Funabunda event, King and Morrison will be present with the other local NVC trainers—Kelly Bryson, Rick Longinotti, and Kristin Masters—and will be available to answer questions and welcome you to the Center for Compassion.  A session of the popular Conflict Improv will unfold, in which trainers role-play real-life conflicts, acting out a variety of compassionate strategies for resolving communication difficulties.  “The process of NVC takes us out of the paradigm of looking at the world in dualistic terms of good/evil, right/wrong and good/bad and helps us to see that really all of us are functioning at a level of wanting to meet universal needs and values,” reflects King, “Compassion truly is a powerful force.”